Its clear you need help. Why don't people help you? Or better, you help yourself?
I’ve tried. Believe me I’ve tried to access suitable help that I can afford. I’ve been in and out of therapy. On and off of medication. I’ve searched high and low for a psych but no one is available, they’re too expensive or they just wont touch me with a 10 foot pole. I’ve tried but after getting nowhere for so long I just don’t know where to look anymore. I don’t know where to turn. I don’t know what to do, short of killing myself or landing myself in the hospital.
As for the people in my life: they can’t force me to do anything. They can only guide and support me. I’m sure if they had to hospitalise me they would, but that’s about all they can do. Even then I mask what’s really going on inside so well that something really drastic would need to happen in order for them to consider doing that to me. Support and guidance is the only other thing they can do for me. The rest has to come from me and to be honest, I’m so tired, I don’t think I have any energy or resources to keep trying to find help…
Depression fucking sucks. It sucks the life out of you. It sucks the light out of you. It sucks that spark that makes you you right out of you. It leaves you a dark shrivelled husk of a person. You’re reduced to intrusive thoughts that you’re worthless and useless and just no fucking good at all. You’re reduced to a big pile of bags under the eyes and months worth of unwashed clothes. Depression fucking sucks.